Greetings from Palmyra! I’m telling you bro, this has been a good week for the Caliphate, because we are LIVING THE DREAM! First we took Ramadi and you should have seen the Iraqi army run away from us! Afterwards we killed the ones we caught and anyone else who was with the government – 500 in a few days! Just lined ’em up next to a ditch and then bang, bang, bang, like those old pictures of the Nazis in the war books dude – check out the instagram I sent you! That’s me third on the left with the Glock.
Then we drove Bashar’s troops out of Palmyra. Now we’re livin’ it large bro, sittin’ on a lake of oil, enough American weapons to keep us going for years, Uncle Sam flying around up there trying to blow us up and they can’t even see us! And next week we should be ready to clean out some heretics and smash to pieces a 2,000-year-old World Heritage Site!
Because let me tell you something brother, those ruins are just stones and those stones are coming DOWN, because Daesh won’t stand for no IDOLS innit and no stoneworshipping Romans neither.
Anyway, right now I’m just chillin’ with a latte, my AK and my Chinese motorbike beside me, and I’m thinking, the Caliphate is COOOL. And I’m thanking Bashar, I’m thanking the House of Saud, I’m thanking Jordan, Turkey and America, for making this possible, for making this dream come true.
Because you know what? I never knew how BORED I was till I came to the Caliphate. I’ve been here eight months now and I have done so much killing and destroying I don’t even know myself. Forget Call of Duty bro. This is Playstation for real. I mean if I’d stayed in Europe I could have killed a few cartoonists and had a bit of a laugh watching the kufar get their knickers in a twist about free speech and all before I got shot and went to paradise, but you know here bro, you can kill ANYBODY, and not just kill them, you get to MESS THEM UP!
I mean you can shoot ’em, cut their throats, push ’em off buildings, crucify them – even shoot ’em with a bazooka! And you know what it is really, really cool? You can just keep on doing it and nobody tells ever tells you to stop. Isn’t God just so great?
When this is over there won’t be any Shia or Yazidi or Christians or anyone, just PLUs bro, all living under the Caliphate in one big happy family, just like in Islam for Dummies, because like my brother al-Britani says in his cool guidebook:
‘I cannot see a Baltimore riot springing up here anytime soon and that is a dead cert, not because those in charge will deal with matters with an iron first, but because there is no blur between right and wrong. What I mean by this is that citizens are not hypocritically led to believe that all cultures can coexist, and then have this belief torn apart by the bigoted reality on the ground. Everyone is judged with the right law (which is Islam), and told what is the truth (which is Islam), and the dangers and impracticalities of multiculturalism are well and truly nipped in the bud.’
Ain’t that the truth my brother? Because who needs a ‘blur’ between right and wrong and all those ‘dangers and impracticalities’ when you got Islam? So what are you waiting for bro? Come on and do some jihad because jihad is not just a duty, it’s FUN. Come and see the Caliphate for yourself. You know you always wanted to see the world!
Where else can you get a perfect shish kibab served up by a slave girl whose family you wasted the week before? And these aren’t women who tell you what to do brother. Here they do what YOU say and you’ve always got Mr AK or Mr Glock to remind them what will happen if they don’t, right?
Like last August we buried some of those Yazidi heretics ALIVE along with their men, so their sisters aint going to give you no backtalk, you know wot I’m sayin? Anyway if you need a wife or two – maybe three! Then this is the place to come looking. And if you got mates who are already married then tell them to come over with the wife and kids, because like brother al-Britani says, in the Caliphate
‘There are no classes promoting homosexuality, evolution, music, drama, interfaith and the rest of the rubbish taught in non-Muslim schools. Your child’s delicate mind is well and truly protected in the Caliphate.’
That’s right. Nothing here to disturb a child’s delicate mind. No smoking. No alcohol. No movies. No music. No homosexuals. No drama. No trash. No disorder. Just a whole lot of killing! So bring your mates. And bring your sister too. Becaise you know a girl like that is too pretty to go around with her face uncovered.
And don’t worry about home comforts, dude. Here in the Caliphate we got the the most succulent shawarmas, and fruity cocktails to die for. Transport? Within a few years we’ll have high speed trains from Damascus to Baghdad, zeppelins, microlites, cable cars – whatever our ‘witty entrepeneurs’ can come up with!
So what are you waiting for brother? Come over here and build the dream.
And remember: God is great, and he’s on our side.
Your brother S.
ps. how about that Messi goal?