And so it came to pass that in the year 2017 there was great confusion in the land of Albion, and much weeping and gnashing of teeth amongst the tribe of Tory following the failure of May’s snap election and the pessimistic voices whispering calumnies in the shadows about her future and abilities. And yea, even as the pound continued to ‘fluctuate’ and Monarch announced that its birds would no longer take wing, and the mad King Herrod slapped a 219 percent tariff on the birds that Bombardier maketh, and the Pharaoh Barnier continued to tap his watch to remind us that the clock ticketh, the elders of the tribe of Tory did gather in great distress in Manchester for their annual conference.
Yet even in the great chamber there was no relief, as the angry tongues did hiss like snakes behind the Great Leader’s back, and conspirators seeking to overthrow the Maybot sharpened their knives even as they bared their fixed grins to show that everything was ok, and even Tory commentators warned that the tribe faced rupture. Even inside the temple there were those who doubted the competence of the government and questioned whether it really had the ability to lead God’s chosen people out of the EU and keep the holy fire of Brexit burning, or whether in fact it was leading the nation towards irrelevance and national suicide.
In this time of trial and tribulation a multitude of false prophets stepped onto the podium to speak of even darker days to come should the party desert its leader, should its membership continue to fall, should the misguided youth of the land continue to worship at the feet of the false Marxist god Corbyn.
One by one they stood before the tribe to warn that a Labour victory would crash the economy if it came to power, thereby depriving the government of the opportunity to continue doing it themselves; that the European Union had killed all the bees of Albion and taken away the loaves and fishes that were rightfully ours; that the hearts of the Labour Party were filled with hate whereas those of the Tories were filled only with the sweetness and love that we have seen flowing through the land of Albion for so many blessed years.
And the Lord looked down on the empty seats and the sea of bored and stupefied faces and he heard the vacuous platitidinous speeches from a succession of careerists and incompetents and he observed the philistine Johnson rubbing his hands on his belly and chortling and he saw that none of this was good, and that the tribe of Tory indeed faced electoral oblivion.
And in this time of confusion, it came to pass that at a fringe meeting in Manchester a prophet of the Lord called Jacob Rees-Mogg did fetch up from his Somerset manor to reassure the faithful that everything was going to be fine because he believeth, and yea, they should believe too. And his voice was soft and gentle and his words like honeyed gold, and even when the uncouth leftist rabble did heckle him and call him despicable, he smiled upon them and gently admonished them for their intemperate ad hominem attacks and reminded them that politics and people were two different things.
And indeed they are, for Jacob Rees-Mogg attacketh and hateth no man personally, and pitieth even the victims of his own polices, and is as polite and genteel to his enemies as he is unto his friends. For verily he blesseth the food banks that have only become necessary because of in-work poverty, zero hours contracts and the benefit cuts that his government has imposed upon the poor and vulnerable. He praiseth the EU nationals who have come to the land of Albion speaking only strange grunting foreign sounds.
He bestoweth his love and admiration upon them even though his own government has used them as bargaining chips and issued deportation orders against them for no reason and plunged millions of them into uncertainty and despair. .Great was the wonder amongst the faithful at such nobility of spirit. And there were those who looked at his voting record and saw that it had always been thus, and that Rees-Mogg had consistently voted against giving EU nationals any right to remain in Albion – yet still he found reasons to praise them.
All this was proof that he was a prophet sent by God to save the tribe of Tory, pursue hard Brexit and build Jerusalem in England’s green and pleasant land. His disciples saw that he had voted against smoking bans and they smiled upon him, for it was only just that non-smokers should have the right to get lung cancer along with those that smoketh. And it was written in the scrolls of the elders of Albion that he had voted against same-sex marriage because homosexuals and lesbians were the spawn of Satan; that he voted against laws promoting equality and human rights for it was not fitting that people should be equal or have rights.
The scrolls also revealed that the prophet Jacob voted against an investigation into the Iraq war and his listeners knew that this too was just, for the Lord did not allow the actions of the British state to called into question or held accountable. Great was their astonishment on discovering that one of the wealthiest MPs in Albion made more than £1 million in the last year alone, that he liveth in a Grade-II listed manor house, yet hath consistently voted to reduce housing benefit to social tenants with ‘excess bedrooms’.
The prophet’s disciples saw that Jacob had voted against paying higher disability or illness payments and they understood that this too was just, for the taxpayer should not be burdened in this way and the Bible sayeth clearly that the sick and disabled cannot get into work and have the opportunity to become millionaires like the prophet Jacob if they allow the nanny state to prop them up.
They saw that the prophet had voted to lower corporation tax yet also voted to reduce welfare benefits to those who have least and whose lack of virtue and entrepreneurial spirit have brought them to the food banks that Rees-Mogg admireth so.
All this the Tory faithful saw, and great was their joy on seeing these things, so that they wondered how such a man could have been ignored for so long. And so they crowded into the fringe meeting and heard the prophet Jacob tell them that leaving the European Union was ‘ Magna Carta, it’s the Burgesses coming at Parliament, it’s the great Reform Bill, it’s the bill of rights, it’s so many… It’s Waterloo, it’s Agincourt, it’s Crecy, We win all these things.’
And the faithful heard these honeyed words and they knew that it would be thus, that we had always won and would win again, and that the prophet Jacob would lead the children of Albion into the promised land. And Rees-Mogg did tell them that even the young saplings of the nation would soon be ‘liberated’ on leaving the EU and that they would be able to ‘determine their own futures’ – though these futures would no longer include the right to live, work and fall in love in 27 countries.
Those who consulted the scrolls remembered that Rees-Mogg had voted to end financial support to some 16-19 year olds; that he had voted in favour of raising tution fees and against using public money to help provide guaranteed jobs for young people in long-term unemployment. Now the hearts of the faithful did melt as they heard him declare how much he loved and cared for the young.
And in a troubled land where love, good manners and noblesse oblige have been absent for so long, the faithful did marvel that a man who opposed abortion even in cases of rape could also make money from a drug used to induce abortions in Indonesia.
But this too was good, for they saw that this was a man who loveth even as he profiteth, and they doffed their caps and kissed his pin-stripe suit and ran out into the streets to tell the world that a new contender had arrived and great was their joy as they shouted ‘ Behold! The Lord hath sent a prophet to save the nation and the Tory Party, and his name is Jacob Rees-Mogg.’