My Lords and Members of Parliament, my government’s legislative programme will focus more than ever before on the victimization of migrants, as a useful distraction from the immense damage it has inflicted on British society since 2010.
In order to stop hordes of Bulgarian and Rumanian criminals and parasites from overwhelming our green and pleasant land, my government will seek to deny hospital treatment and health care to all migrants. My ministers will also seek to prevent migrants from accessing social housing, even though very few migrants actually do this.
My government will also be hand out Abu Qatada dolls to every household in the country so that ordinary hardworking striving Britons will be able to stick pins into them.
My government will continue to terrify the public with visions of the strange bearded foreigners who want to destroy our way of life and take away our freedoms.
My government will seek new powers to deport them to the strange and alien lands they come from, by abrogating the un-British Human Rights Act that the Johnny Foreigners who run the European Union have foisted on the nation.
My government will cease the archaic and redundant practice of dedicating 0.7 percent of the budget to small and faraway countries of which we know nothing and whose problems are due entirely to the corruption of the natives. Instead my Government will dedicate the same percentage of the budget to overseas military operations and to the promotion of British business interests abroad.
My government will continue to act as a salesman for British Aerospace and sell weaponry to the Gulf autocracies, in order to prepare for the coming war with Iran. My government will deploy military missions in the Gulf States and also in Somalia, in order to prevent ‘terrorism and mass migration.’
My government will build a huge fleet of Unmanned Aerial Vehicles, which as the learned scribe David Aaronovitch recently pointed out, are an ‘ethical and effective’ way of eliminating our enemies, even if we do not know who our enemies are.
My government will continue to seek new enemies and new wars abroad wherever possible, because Britain is a warrior nation and cannot be allowed to become like Belgium or Denmark.
My government will continue to ride shotgun with our great ally the United States, and do and say whatever it is told to do, so that Britain can continue to ‘punch above its weight.’
My ministers will continue to force the sick and disabled to work, even if they die looking for it, because work makes people virtuous and a great nation does not have its curtains drawn at nine in the morning.
My government will continue to torment the workshy unemployed by turning the benefit system into an impenetrable and punitive obstacle course, so that they either take up the temporary or zero hours contracts that are becoming the norm, or fall out of the system altogether.
My government will encourage banks and entrepreneurs to invest in our beautiful country by offering generous tax breaks. My ministers will continue to blunder on with brutal austerity measures that have come under serious criticism even from the IMF, and which have produced nothing but stagnation, falling living standards and the pauperisation of large swatches of the population.
My government is conscious of the surging numbers of people using food banks, the rising numbers of hungry children in the nation’s classrooms, and the growing numbers of families who cannot pay their energy or food bills.
My ministers will therefore continue to support the activities of the Trussell Trust and other food bank charities, while mindful of the possibility that such activities might provide a business opportunities for G4S and Serco.
My government will continue to accelerate the destruction of the post-World War II social contract. So far twenty percent of the local council budgets has been cut, and my ministers will seek to increase this percentage, even though experts are warning that the entire care system for the elderly is on the point of collapse.
My government will address this problem by cutting or abolishing pensions and obliging pensioners to work until they drop, thereby helping them to realise their full potential that was previously denied to them by the welfare state.
My government will also seek to use the advances of modern science to bring dead people back to life and add zombie labour to the workforce, in order to relieve the burden on state budgets, prevent EU immigration, and help reduce the deficit.
My government will cut ‘red tape’ for employers and make it easier for them to hire and fire employees.
My government will continue to transform public services into a source of profit for its favoured companies and corporations, whether it is rubbish collection, the probation service, schools, or the NHS.
My Education Secretary will devise a national curriculum in the nation’s schools designed to churn out a generation of automatons, in order to defeat the Marxist academics and ‘enemies of promise’ who have seriously undermined the ability of the nation’s youth to participate in the Great Race with Singapore and Hong Kong.
My government will abolish school holidays and introduce military drill for toddlers, because discipline is next to godliness and the devil makes work for idle hands.
My government will make every day like Christmas. My government will lead the nation to a bright and prosperous future. My government will make Britain great again, a country of strivers working together for the common good.
My government will deliver candy floss and ice cream to every household and teach pigs how to fly – or teach the population how to see them.
Other measures will be laid before you.
My Lords and members of the House of Commons, I pray that the blessing of almighty God may rest upon your counsels.